1.20: Where is Gio?

February 19

19 years since Event


Tomorrow, Kayne turns nineteen. I’m not usually one to mark birthdays – I honestly can’t remember off the top of my head how old I even am – but this is a big one. My little boy is a man; soon after this birthday, he’s going to work. I’ve already got the connections he’ll need. I’m not yet where I want to be, but I’m high enough.

I thought I’d feel excited. This is what I’ve been working towards since pretty much the day he was born. I should be happy that we’re finally going to be one step closer to controlling the criminal world.

But I’m not.


Today, I watched Kayne at the punching bag. He was so focused. His movements so sharp and calculated. He was everything I’ve taught him to be. At first, I felt proud, but then…Then I felt anguish.


I’ve made him into me. He’s a killer already, even if he’s never drawn blood. Where is Gio in him? I can see Gio in his face, but where is he in what makes up Kayne?

The answer is that he isn’t there. With all my training, all my preparation, I didn’t leave room for gentleness or creativity. I wish…


I wish the world was different. I wish that the world didn’t crush joy and erase gentleness. I molded Kayne into someone who can live in the world we have; I can’t waste my energy longing for what might have been. As much as I love Giovanni, he proved just by dying that he wasn’t cut out for this world. I made our son into a man who will survive – fuck, even thrive.

Maybe, one day, the Giovanni’s of the world will have a place again.


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7 thoughts on “1.20: Where is Gio?”

  1. From the headline i instantly had the thought that he might not be dead after all and that shannyn suspected this and wanted to find him. So i saw them go on this long search to look for Gio everywhere. Maybe he was being held hostage by that other gang. But then i read it and it all fell into place.

    I feel sorry for both shannyn and kayne. There should have been some of Gio in him. Maybe she’s trained him too hard?
    Was she like this before the event as well?


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