7 years 2 weeks since Event
I’m exhausted. The kind of tired I haven’t been since the town first went nuclear, and I didn’t sleep for four days. But that’s life with triplets. It’s been weeks since I’ve even written in this thing, but tonight it’s helping me stay awake. Even with the distraction, I’m about ready to fall asleep on this rickety old table. Jason found it in a trash heap a few weeks ago and hauled it up here so he could get work done and be close to the babies. He’s always happy to be close to them. Me, not so much.
I should be sleeping, but I’m the only one around to take care of the poop monsters. I couldn’t believe when Jason told me he actually had to sneak out after curfew. Ever since they’d instituted that stupid thing, he’d been all for keeping his nose clean and staying inside after dark.
It was supposed to be some measure to keep the town safer. Whatever; I still had my business to take care of. Some “policeman” tried to stop me last week; he didn’t go home.
Anyway, Jason told me there was some source contact he had to meet with. He’s been very hush hush about it and trying to keep his cool, but I could tell he was excited. He must think he’s getting close to something. Yeah, well, I’ll believe it when I see it; he’s gotten excited before.
I just hope he hurries up. I know the shit machines are going to have full diapers soon – and boy, do I miss actual diapers – and then they’ll probably barely be down again before they’re crying for some other reason. Usually, I let Jason handle everything he can, and I only get up for feedings, which is exhausting enough. After feeding them this time, I didn’t even see the point in trying to sleep until after their diaper change.
Sometimes, I look at the triplets, and I do feel bad that I don’t love them the way I love Kayne. But I just…I can’t. If it had just been the one – maybe. But three was just too much. I’m just so angry all the time – resentful. They’re such a drain on me. On my body, my time with Kayne. It’s like they’re sucking the life right out of me.
One of them is crying. I guess this is where I’m ending this.