Fucking fuck fuck.
I cannot believe I’m pregnant. Jason and I have always been SO careful. There’s no condoms anymore, but, still, we were really careful.
I’ve tried to deny it. Tried to write it off as working out too hard, side-effects from fallout from whatever happened to this town, some other disease. A tumor growing in my abdomen. Anything that might even resemble my symptoms. But there isn’t any denying it. Not after today.
I felt it move. It was just a little thing; I could almost write it off as gas – if I hadn’t felt that same little flutter when I was carrying Kayne.
Jesus H. Christ.
I haven’t told Jason yet. He’ll probably be fucking happy about it, the asshole. What the HELL am I supposed to do, though? I can’t do the things I have to do for the mob when I’m as big as a whale. This spawn inside of me could cost us everything!
If there were any way to get rid of it…God, I wish there were a clinic I could go to. I’d give my right arm for a Planned Parenthood right now, I really would. But these days, that’s all gone. The best I’d find is some creep in an alley with a hanger. No fucking thanks. That’d be just as likely to kill me as the parasite in my uterus.
God…I’m really pregnant again. I can feel it right now, little flutters inside me. When I felt Kayne doing that, it brought me joy. Now…I feel sick. I like Jason; I might even love him, just a little bit. But nothing like I loved – still love – Giovanni.
Maybe if I wasn’t doing the job I do, I’d feel differently. If I try really hard, I can imagine being kind of happy to have another kid, a little brother or sister for Kayne. Jason must make beautiful kids…The thing is, though, that this baby might rob me of everything I’ve worked so hard for. It’s happened before; I’ve seen it. Some girl is getting in with the mob, then oops, she’s pregnant. In just a matter of days, she’s gone. They never come back.
That is not going to be me. I swear to God, it’s not.