1 year 2 months since Event
I don’t even know what to say anymore. I feel so guilty, even though I know it’s silly. It’s been just over a year now since Gio died. Before him, I never was good at the monogamy thing. I shouldn’t feel guilty.
I’m sleeping with Jason.
It feels wrong to write it down, like it’s more real. Which is stupid, because I’m pretty sure what makes it real is getting naked and letting him inside me. That makes it pretty fucking real.
Solved the issue of where he was going to sleep, though. Ever since we started fucking, we’ve just been sharing the bed.
I think he sees more in this than he should, though. That might become a problem later on. He hasn’t said anything, but I catch him looking at me sometimes.
This is just sex. Part of me knew it was going to come down to this when I let him move in; I’ve noticed how attractive he was from the moment I met him. Who wouldn’t be attracted to a guy like him? But it really is just about the sex for me. He’s a nice guy – which, really, isn’t my type; Gio was a total fluke – and I like him and all, but I for fucking sure don’t love him.
I really hope he gets over this puppy love or whatever he’s got going on. If he starts spitting the L-word at me, I might have to tell him to get the hell out, no matter how useful he can be to have around.
Ugh, how about I stop talking about Jason? Yeah, that’d be nice.
I’m so proud of Kayne. He’s been saying “Mama” for a while, but I think he really knows that I’m his mama. He says it all the time and looks so proud whenever I respond to him.
I’ve been working with him, trying to get him to say more things besides “no” and “up.” Today, he called Jason “Jaja.” I think Jason was a little disappointed he didn’t call him “dada” but fuck that. Jason is a step-father at best. Just because Gio’s dead doesn’t mean Kayne shouldn’t know about him. I’m going to make sure he knows who his real father is, where he comes from.
I’ve at least figured out what Jason is up to at work and keeping him glued to that computer, by the way. He told me some time ago that he was working to try to fix some of the things wrong with Oasis Springs. Apparently, he’s trying to get some media attention from Willow Creek. I don’t know what his end goal is yet; he’s still keeping that hush hush. I guess he doesn’t want me getting my hopes up or some shit.
Whatever, let him have his fantasy of restoring the town. I’ll keep making it safe for us to get by in.