1.06: The Mom Thing

February 27

11 months since Event


I have a son.

He’s a week old, and I still can’t fucking believe I have a kid. Me, bringing life into the world. I feel like there’s more than a little irony there, since I’ve taken a few lives out of it.


This is what I was hoping for. Okay, well, not this scenario, but the son part. I hope he looks like Gio. His eyes are kind of blue now, but I think I heard that all babies are born with blue eyes; I’m hoping they stay that way. No idea if he’ll be a ginger like me (God, I hope not); the boy came out bald as a Q ball.


He’s so small. At first, I thought something must be wrong – he was so tiny! But Lisa – that woman I wrote about before, the one I decided to make my babysitter – she assured me he was normal. She had two kids, so I guess I just have to believe her. I had her help me with the birth, since I couldn’t exactly see down there on my own. Jason offered to help me when the time came. I honest to God almost smacked him. Pass. Hard pass.


I guess he meant well though. He came by a few days ago to check on me. I think he was hoping I’d let him see the baby, but that just wasn’t happening.


God, I have a son.

I just keep coming back to that because it feels so unreal. I never thought I’d do the mom thing…


“I want one of those.”

I glanced up from my tablet to find Gio’s eyes on a mom and her two kids, a little boy, probably about 10, and a girl a few years younger. “Tell me which one, and I’ll see if I can nick it for you,” I said dryly before going back to the email I’d been reading. It was a beautiful spring day, and Gio had taken me to lunch. I wanted to handle this bit of business that had popped up and get back to enjoying our time together.


“Really, Shannyn.” At his serious tone, I looked up; his eyes met mine. “I’d like to make one of those with you.”

“You want a baby?” I asked incredulously. “With me? You know me, Giovanni. I’m not parent material. I’m a mean-ass bitch with a rap sheet a mile long.”


He reached across the table and closed my hand in his. “You’re a hardass, that’s for sure. But you’d make a great mom, Shan. I see everything in you; your heart isn’t as black as you think.”

I shook my head and got to my feet. “That’s just for you, Gio. You’re the only one who brings it out in me.”


He stood up and tugged me into his arms. “You’re telling me you wouldn’t love something we made together?” A hint of a smile curved his lips.

I sighed softly. “I’ll think about it, alright?”

His smile was blinding.


That’s a lie. I did toy with the idea of being a mom. Barely a week before the world fell apart, Gio told me he wanted to have kids. And I actually told him I’d think about it. The crazy thing is that I meant it. I really was thinking about having a kid, starting a family.

But then all hell broke loose and the subject got dropped.


I still miss him so bad it takes my breath away sometimes. The first moment I looked at our son, I felt like bursting into tears. Everything is so fucked up. Gio should be here to raise the kid he wanted. We should…

Yeah, I’m going to stop that train before it gets anymore momentum. I could go on for a long-ass time. I need to end this anyway.

I named him Kayne, by the way. It’s a name that means fighter. I figure that’s what he’s going to need to be to survive.

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